10 Tips for Improving Your Relationships

I find that most couples who first come to see me say that they cannot communicate on important issues. They are hoping to learn skills for better communication and we begin learning these skills in the very first session.

It can be very scary to talk about issues that may start big arguments or bring up serious topics that may end in consequences you may not feel prepared for. So, most couples tend to sweep everything under the rug. How’s that working for you?

Please read below, 10 Tips for Improving Your Relationship. It’s good information that you can use at home before you decide if you want to come in for relationship counseling.


10 Tips for Improving Your Relationships


1. Evaluate From a Long Term Perspective

The other person may be tired or preoccupied right now (it’s not all about you, after all), and not up for a whole lot of straight talk. Your communication problems may improve on their own over time, or may just not be important enough in the long run for you to demand that today’s problem be fixed right now. If it’s not earth-shakingly important, and if the other wants to pass on fixing things right now, consider doing so; you can always call in the IOU later on.

2. Listen with More Attention, And More Caring

This is a person you’re in a relationship with. Whether it’s your child, your boss, or your romantic interest, what could be more worthy of your attention than trying to understand what they are saying, what they are feeling, and why they are sharing this with you at this moment? Put aside distractions, provide feedback so they know they are being heard, and try to find out how you can help. You want to, right?

3. Handle Conflict More Skillfully

For starters, work to clarify any ambiguity about expectations. Pause – a lot- to let yourself calm down prior to responding to any comments or actions that anger you. You might say, “I need to think about that a minute.” Don’t try to reason someone out of something they decided on emotion, not reason (e.g., who to trust, what to believe). Sidestep stalemates with an agreement to try again later, when you both have gathered more data about “it”. Control your urge to say hurtful things; the damage is too long-lasting to be worth the momentary feeling of power.

4. Become Less Dependent on the Relationship for Your Own Life Satisfaction

This is a tough one, for it requires that you find your own personal reason for being on this earth; your mission, if you will. The relationships you find yourself in throughout your life must, for the fullest life, be managed with that mission in mind. That means asking their support from time to time for that purpose, and lending your support to them in helping them fulfill their own mission, which is a lot different from needing the relationship to give you a reason for living.

5. Understand How the Other Person Thinks, And Why

This is probably the greatest secret to better communication in relationships; to know that each of us can only think the way our background and experiences have prepared us to think. Since we all have different backgrounds and experiences, conflicts are inevitable, and understanding difficult. Nevertheless, it’s worth learning to say “My experience has been different”, instead of “You’re wrong”. And it’s worth listening to them explain what in their background has led them to believe as they do. That’s a huge step toward better acceptance, and better understanding!

6. Master Assertive Communication

Aggressive communicators take care of themselves and let the other twist in the wind; passive communicators take care of the other and suffer for it, feeling put-upon. Assertive communication, a “graduate-level” communication skill between the two extremes, requires protecting yourself while acknowledging the needs of the other and trying to offer some help, suggestions, or referrals. It takes a lot of patience, and practice, but the results are simply incredible in better results, increased self-respect, the admiration of others, and real, lasting solutions to problems.

7. Understand and Work to Control the Nonverbal Messages You Send

How do you feel when someone says “sure”, but crosses their arms when you ask, “Can we talk?” You don’t believe them, right? So don’t project that same closed, uncaring attitude yourself. Make enough eye contact so they know you are paying attention, but not so much they feel microscopically examined, position yourself to limit distractions (not looking out the window, or at the TV, for example), and control your fidgeting, which looks impatient and weak. A calm, attentive position, with lots of feedback so they know they are being heard works wonders.

8. Learn How to Exit Non-Destructively When Anger Threatens Communication

When your emotions are getting out of control, good communication is terribly difficult. So, give yourself, and the other, a break. Take a time-out; go to the rest room, take a quick walk. Let those hormones racing through your blood reach a more agreeable level so your reasoning powers have a chance to work. Don’t just walk out, though- that signals the end of the relationship. Say something like, “Give me a couple of minutes; I’ll be right back”, or “Can we talk some more about this a little later today? – I’ve got something else that’s distracting me and this deserves our full attention.” Those comments work to preserve the relationship and buy you time to settle down.

9. Hear the Need behind the Want

Surprisingly, lots of communications breakdowns occur for reasons that aren’t even real and certainly not necessary. That argument about someone not being there for dinner with you may be really about your need for attention and comfort. That war over a promotion at work may be really about a need for security or power. Needs can be satisfied in a variety of legitimate ways, once you discover which needs are hiding behind the loudly proclaimed wants.

10. Celebrate the Positive and Express Your Gratitude

People who have lost loved ones tell us how sorry they are they didn’t tell those people what gifts they were, or how much they were loved. Don’t join that guilty crowd- tell those close to you how much you care for them, and what, specifically, you appreciate about them. That alone will change the quality of the relationship, and of your life, for the better!

Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D. http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/

Questions for Engaged Couples... Married couples should read...

I want to share this article with those couples who are considering marriage. However, I encourage married couples to introduce these topics for discussion, as well.

Questions to Discuss Before You Get Married
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, www.About.com


Discuss These Issues Before Walking Down the Aisle

Many marriage education experts caution that when couples believe in the myths of "happily-ever-after" or “love conquers all," problems in the marital relationship may surface within a short time after the wedding.

The success or failure of your marriage relationship may hinge on how well you deal with issues such as finances, sexuality, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, leisure time, family of origin, spirituality, expectations, and chores.

Even though you may be very busy with wedding preparations, it is critical that you make time to prepare for your life time together by exploring your relationship in more depth.
Communication, along with a willingness to grow closer together, is one of the keys to a successful marriage.

To get to know one another better you can play "The Newlywed Board Game" together or you can look over these questions that we believe you need to ask one another if you want to improve your future marital life.

· Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
· What do we as a couple want out of life?
· What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
· How often do you drink?
· Have you ever hit someone?
· Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
· Do you have a criminal record?
· Are you willing to replace the toilet tissue roll?

Family of Origin Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· What was your childhood like?
· Was your family an affectionate one?
· Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?
· What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?
· What do you like and dislike about your family?
· What do you like and dislike about my family?
· What do you like and dislike about your parents' marriage?
· What do you like and dislike about my parents' marriage?

Self Image Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· How would you describe yourself?
· How do you think I see you?
· Am I a jealous person?
· Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?
· How important is affirmation to me?
· Do I handle compliments well?
· What is your love language?
· Do you think we listen to one another well?
· Do you think it is important to know one another's physical and mental health histories?

Time and Chores Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· Will you clean the toilet?
· How are we going to divide up the household chores?
· What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?
· How do you want to spend our days off?
· Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?
· Can we each pursue our own interests?
· Do you need or want time alone?
· How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then?
· How will we make sure we have quality time together?
· How much time will we spend with our in-laws?

Money Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· Can we talk about money?
· Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money?
· Do you want to have a budget?
· Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both?
· Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?
· Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury?
· How much do we owe in debts and what are our assets?
· Where does our money go?
· What are our financial goals?
· Do you have any outstanding fines or debts?
· What are our future plans for purchasing a home?
· Do we both know where our important financial documents are located?

Parenting Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· Do you want to have children?
· Do we want to have children?
· If we decide we do, how many children do you want to have?
· How long should we be married before having children?
· What kind of parent do you think you will be?
· What is your parenting philosophy?
· Will one of us stay home after we have children?
· What type of birth control should we use if we want to postpone or prevent parenthood?
· How do you feel about adoption?
· Do you have any children already?

Spirituality and Religious Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· Does religion play an important part in your life?
· Do you think faith and spirituality are important in a marriage?
· What is your image of God?

Sexual Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

Can we talk about sex?
· Should we talk about sex?
· Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes?
· What are your expectations of our sexual relationship?

Conflict Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

· How will we make decisions together?
· Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict?
· Do you think we have problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before our wedding?
· Do we handle conflict well?
· How are we different?
· Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage?
· Do you expect or want me to change?
· Can we both forgive?
· Are we both willing to work on our communication skills and to share intimately with each other?

Date Night

When’s the last time you had a date night? It’s very important for couples to make time for this, especially if they have been together for a long time or if they have children.

It’s necessary to step out of your daily lives together and spend some quality time focusing on one another and having fun. If you have children, it’s important to make time to step out of the parenting role.

How long has it been since you went out and did the things that you both used to enjoy? When we get busy with life, we tend to forget how important it is to give attention to our relationship. What was it that you both enjoyed doing together, a long time ago?

Here’s what I suggest. Once a week, take turns planning an outing. One week he chooses, the next week, she does. This way both individuals are involved in the planning and both get an opportunity to share their interests. Planning for a date night once a week is optimal, but even once a month is better than nothing. If money is tight right now, find things to do that don’t cost money. Cook dinner at home and rent a movie. Just make sure the kids are at grandma's house!

If you continue to make time for one another in this way, I believe you will find parts of you that have gone dormant, probably the parts you miss about your relationship. Schedule date night on your calendar in advance, so that it is viewed as any other important event.

So, what are you going to do on your first date and who's planning it this time?

Tell us what you did on your date!

How To Listen to Your Woman! Women should read this too...cont... from "How To Listen to Your Man!"

Hi guys! I’m sure that you have all been waiting breathlessly to find out how to listen to your woman!

When your woman comes to you to share something that is important or troubling, and it has nothing to do with your relationship; listen without interruption and make a few supportive comments when appropriate. These might be something like, wow, honey that's awful, I’m sorry, or that must make you mad; it makes me mad too! It's pretty much the same supportive comments your woman will say to you.

She does not want you to fix or solve her problem at these times. She will ask for your help or ideas, if she does want your help. You guys can relax. You’re off the hook on this one! Mostly, she just wants to be listened to, validated, and definitely not judged. She will appreciate this so much that she will become a better listener to you.

If you have a concern for her about her perspective; at a later time you might tell her that you were thinking about her situation and came up with a few ideas that might be helpful; if she is interested in hearing them. Make sure that your tone is not condescending! At that time you can share your ideas while expressing your concern for her.

If you have used your new communication skills, it is her responsibility to respond to your comments in an appropriate way! I repeat; if she gets upset with you, it’s more about her, than you! Tell her that you are sorry that she is upset and when she is ready to calmly discuss it; that you’d be happy to try again. Ask her if she will agree to come to you, when she is ready to talk.

When you are both feeling that your needs are being met; in that your partner can be a supportive friend, you will have healthy communication and safety. When you feel safe; you can be your authentic self with your partner. Isn't that what we all really want?
Let me know how it turns out!

No offense intended by the use of he/she gender statements. It is merely used for the clarity of this article. This blog applies to all gender couples.

How to Listen To your Man... Men should read this too...

Hello Ladies! Ever notice that when your partner is sharing a story, or something important to him, that you tend to interrupt him? Ask him questions? Sort of take the conversation in your own direction??? Well, if you do, it's okay; it’s just your own anxiety about what he’s telling you.

Next time, try silently calming yourself and simply listening to him in an engaged manner. If you find a moment; add something like, Wow, what a jerk! Or, I’m sooo sorry, that sucks, or well you did the best you could.

These are the kinds of things your partner wants to hear. He needs your interest, your empathy, and your support. Not your anxiety…

Try this next time your partner comes to share something important with you and see how he responds to your new style of communicating.

If you still find that you want to speak with your partner about the topic; you can always address it later at a more appropriate time. Use your “I Statements”, which I refer to in an earlier blog entitled, Sunday Morning Communication, when approaching your partner. He will be more open to what you are saying.

It is your partner’s responsibility to respond appropriately to your comments. You will get answers for your concerns and yet communication is open. Notice how everyone’s needs are met.

Check in next time to read, What Behaviors Work Best for Men, when Their Partner Shares with them…

If you decide to try one of my techniques please share your story! If you’re struggling in your communication with your partner, share that too!

More communication tips to come…

No offense intended in the use of him throughout the article. It is merely to keep the clarity of the piece; and absolutely applies to either gender.