Telling the children that you are going to get divorced can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome, but it is something that must be done in order for the children to begin to accept this dramatic change in their life. Research shows that children reared in an environment where there is tension will be more traumatized than a child reared in a divorced home, tension free enviroment. If children see parents constantly abusing each other, whether it be verbally or physically, the child will ultimately suffer.
It is possible for children to thrive in a divorced home, provided they are under the right parental conditions. One of the first ways that a parent can help a child is by telling him or her about the divorce. Remember, children of all ages will be affected by their parent's divorce. Following are some tips on telling the children.
Read More>>>
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Highs and Lows of Holiday Romance
Christmas and New Years are right around the corner. The magic of the holiday can encourage holiday romance. It’s important to make both partners’ expectations clear so that no one is left disillusioned, disappointed, or stalked!
The following article describes the ups and downs of holiday romance and list ways for you to enjoy the romance while protecting your heart and getting your needs met as well.
Happy Holidays!
Ilissa
A holiday romance can sweep you off your feet and also leave you feeling deserted and heartbroken. Follow these tips to ensure your summer fling goes with a swing
You're more likely to have a romance on holiday than at home. It's a fact. You feel physically relaxed and emotionally renewed, you're away from your daily routine and the stresses and strains of home and work - basically, you're ready to fall in love. And why not?
But is a holiday romance a good idea or serious mistake? Susan Quilliam looks at the positives and negatives of holiday love affairs, and offers solutions to all possible problems.
1. The ups and downs of holiday flings
A holiday fling can make you feel like a queen and boost your confidence sky-high. However, on the down side, if he's keener than you, you could be left feeling under pressure, pestered and even stalked. Read more >>>
The following article describes the ups and downs of holiday romance and list ways for you to enjoy the romance while protecting your heart and getting your needs met as well.
Happy Holidays!
Ilissa
A holiday romance can sweep you off your feet and also leave you feeling deserted and heartbroken. Follow these tips to ensure your summer fling goes with a swing
You're more likely to have a romance on holiday than at home. It's a fact. You feel physically relaxed and emotionally renewed, you're away from your daily routine and the stresses and strains of home and work - basically, you're ready to fall in love. And why not?
But is a holiday romance a good idea or serious mistake? Susan Quilliam looks at the positives and negatives of holiday love affairs, and offers solutions to all possible problems.
1. The ups and downs of holiday flings
A holiday fling can make you feel like a queen and boost your confidence sky-high. However, on the down side, if he's keener than you, you could be left feeling under pressure, pestered and even stalked. Read more >>>
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Cougars and Their Cubs
*Editor’s note: Names of some of the interviewees have been changed for privacy.
Annette Wheeler* didn’t recall the exact moment she first heard the term “cougar,” but she did remember dashing to her computer to look it up. To her shock and bemusement, there was a new term to describe what she had been doing most of her life—dating younger men.
Wheeler, a fiery redhead who lives outside Baltimore, leaned back in her chair and sighed. “I adore younger men,” the 60-year-old purred. “I liked younger guys even when I was in high school—like a year or two younger. I was a cougar before there were cougars.”
Indeed, Wheeler’s pre-marriage and post-divorce dating history reads like a steamy screenplay. She listed a string of young men with whom she had various relationships, occasionally punching numbers into a calculator to determine age differences she had never considered in the first place. She never analyzed her attraction to younger men (or their attraction to her), but with “cougar” an increasingly popular term used to describe older women dating significantly younger men, her longtime preference is suddenly in the spotlight.
Read More >
Annette Wheeler* didn’t recall the exact moment she first heard the term “cougar,” but she did remember dashing to her computer to look it up. To her shock and bemusement, there was a new term to describe what she had been doing most of her life—dating younger men.
Wheeler, a fiery redhead who lives outside Baltimore, leaned back in her chair and sighed. “I adore younger men,” the 60-year-old purred. “I liked younger guys even when I was in high school—like a year or two younger. I was a cougar before there were cougars.”
Indeed, Wheeler’s pre-marriage and post-divorce dating history reads like a steamy screenplay. She listed a string of young men with whom she had various relationships, occasionally punching numbers into a calculator to determine age differences she had never considered in the first place. She never analyzed her attraction to younger men (or their attraction to her), but with “cougar” an increasingly popular term used to describe older women dating significantly younger men, her longtime preference is suddenly in the spotlight.
Read More >
Monday, November 23, 2009
A Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving Sports
The idea of being a sports widow sounds funny but for some women this can be a serious issue. They not only lose their husbands/partners to sports on major holidays but almost all year round through each and every sports season.
It's not only the loss of time spent together but it can also be the source of some unbalanced distribution of chores and family time.
When you read the article below, see if you can decide which kind of sports widow you are. The compromising sports widow may be where it's at for you but remember to plan ahead with your partner for division of tasks for preparation, visiting with family, cleanup, "me" time, "we" time, and family time . If everyone's needs are met chances are there will be less resentment, more cooperation, and better respect of one another's interests and time.
Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!
- Ilissa
by Nan Hall
Got game? Nearly 400 years after the first Thanksgiving occurred at Plymouth, this is still the question. But you know I'm not talking about the Wampanoags bagging turkeys for the first harvest potluck. My reference is to the endless football and basketball games that compete for our sports fans' attentions during the four-day holiday marathon. Put that together with intense cleaning/cooking/entertaining, round-the-clock childcare and frequently dysfunctional family reunions and what's a Sports Widow to do?
I'm not so worried about the Avenging, Sabotaging and Enabling Sports Widows. Their strategies are pretty straightforward. They go something like this:
It's unlikely that any sports fans will be joining The Avenging Sports Widow this Thanksgiving. They've either fled and entered a Fan Protection Program or they're fertilizing her garden. She'll probably have a peaceful gathering with non-sports-loving friends, her cats, AMC, and Dr. Phil.
After The Sabotaging Sports Widow has finished cooking the meal, she'll engineer a mystifying power outage that debilitates the televisions in the house or she'll deploy her secret weapon -- a TV-B-Gone remote -- which she deftly conceals in her apron pocket . . .
Read More >
It's not only the loss of time spent together but it can also be the source of some unbalanced distribution of chores and family time.
When you read the article below, see if you can decide which kind of sports widow you are. The compromising sports widow may be where it's at for you but remember to plan ahead with your partner for division of tasks for preparation, visiting with family, cleanup, "me" time, "we" time, and family time . If everyone's needs are met chances are there will be less resentment, more cooperation, and better respect of one another's interests and time.
Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!
- Ilissa
by Nan Hall
Got game? Nearly 400 years after the first Thanksgiving occurred at Plymouth, this is still the question. But you know I'm not talking about the Wampanoags bagging turkeys for the first harvest potluck. My reference is to the endless football and basketball games that compete for our sports fans' attentions during the four-day holiday marathon. Put that together with intense cleaning/cooking/entertaining, round-the-clock childcare and frequently dysfunctional family reunions and what's a Sports Widow to do?I'm not so worried about the Avenging, Sabotaging and Enabling Sports Widows. Their strategies are pretty straightforward. They go something like this:
It's unlikely that any sports fans will be joining The Avenging Sports Widow this Thanksgiving. They've either fled and entered a Fan Protection Program or they're fertilizing her garden. She'll probably have a peaceful gathering with non-sports-loving friends, her cats, AMC, and Dr. Phil.
After The Sabotaging Sports Widow has finished cooking the meal, she'll engineer a mystifying power outage that debilitates the televisions in the house or she'll deploy her secret weapon -- a TV-B-Gone remote -- which she deftly conceals in her apron pocket . . .
Read More >
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Stress, Depression and the Holidays: 10 tips for Coping
Nine more days until Thanksgiving and we’re off and running through the holiday season! I’m tired just thinking about all the work involved. This year I am going to plan ahead and simplify my holidays. I am going to keep the traditions I like and toss the ones I don’t. Of course, I have certain obligations to family and such but I can use my “self-care” techniques during those times.
While you prepare and live through your holidays, remember nothing’s perfect. Strive for good enough and enjoy the people you love. If you find yourself alone reach out to community groups.
Wishing you all a happy and tasty Thanksgiving! Find things to give thanks for and if you have a little extra, remember those who have less than you and donate.
The article I have chosen today will help you to become aware of your holiday triggers and give you tips for reducing your stress throughout the holiday. Make it work!
Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression.
By the Mayo Clinic staff
The holiday season, which begins for most Americans with Thanksgiving and continues through New Year's Day, often brings unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it's no wonder. In an effort to pull off a perfect holiday, you might find yourself facing a dizzying array of demands — parties, shopping, baking, cleaning and entertaining, to name a few. So much for peace and joy, right?
Actually, with some practical tips, you can minimize the stress and depression that often accompany the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.
Read More >
While you prepare and live through your holidays, remember nothing’s perfect. Strive for good enough and enjoy the people you love. If you find yourself alone reach out to community groups.
Wishing you all a happy and tasty Thanksgiving! Find things to give thanks for and if you have a little extra, remember those who have less than you and donate.
The article I have chosen today will help you to become aware of your holiday triggers and give you tips for reducing your stress throughout the holiday. Make it work!
__________________________________________________
Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression.
By the Mayo Clinic staff
The holiday season, which begins for most Americans with Thanksgiving and continues through New Year's Day, often brings unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it's no wonder. In an effort to pull off a perfect holiday, you might find yourself facing a dizzying array of demands — parties, shopping, baking, cleaning and entertaining, to name a few. So much for peace and joy, right?
Actually, with some practical tips, you can minimize the stress and depression that often accompany the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.
Read More >
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Immunized Against Infidelity: "Affair-proofing" Your Marriage
Infidelity will rock your world. First shock and the realization of betrayal from someone you thought you could count on. Infidelity however, is something that a couple can work through. Infidelity does not have to mean an end to the marraige. It can be a new beginning with better communicatiom and commitment.
If the person who breaks the trust is willing to own their actions and show remorse; if they are willing to look inside themselves to understand why they made such a poor choice, then the marriage has a chance.
The person who broke the trust must be willing to answer their partners questions about their affair until the partner is satisfied and begins to build trust. An affair can be physical or it can be emotional. Emotional affairs usually are harder to end than purely sexual ones. It is the straying partner who has the responsibility to prove to their partner that they can be trusted. Their partner might ask them to report their whereabouts for a while and they must be open to answering questions, lots of questions.
Now, for the person who has been betrayed, life is going to look different. The ground under you has just opened up with a large crack and you may feel like you are slipping down into that hole. You will need time for your anger and hurt to subside to a level where you feel ready to communicate about this. I suggest coming to counseling immediately, so that you have an objective professional person in the room as you discuss these difficult issues. You'll want to ask your partner many questions especially as you begin to rethink the things your partner had told you that you now know were untruths. I suggest you don't ask for certain details because some images are harder to forget and forgive. Being told the truth by someone who feels true remorse and is willing to go to counseling to work on the issues that brought your couplehood to this place is enough for now.
It's also important for the betrayed partner to think about what their part in the breakdown of the relationship might be. This does not make an excuse for the partner who chose to go outside of your relationship. He/She had the choice to tell you what they were unhappy about in the relationship and give you an opportunity to work on it. That was not their choice however, and they need to be responsible for that choice no matter what the issues are between the two of you.
When a couple is able to understand and take responsibility for their issues they can begin to communicate about what changes need to be made in order for both partners to have their needs met in the relationship. Couples can emerge from this experience feeling closer, safer, with exellent communication skills for a more loving and authentic relationship. Other couples may choose to part and a therapist can help you to work through this transition especially when there are children involved.
I am sharing this article with you because it talks about ways to protect your relationship from infidelity, so that hopefully you will never have to go through the hurt of finding out that your best friend and life partner has broken their commitment to you.
www.foreverfamilies.net
Many couples naively insist that they don't have to worry about infidelity. "It will never happen to us." Unfortunately, infidelity is surprisingly prevalent in our society. Conservative estimates suggest that between 20 and 25 percent of all Americans will have extramarital sex sometime during their married life (Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001). That's up to one out of four. And the idea that infidelity only happens to bad people in miserable marriages is a myth. It can and does happen, even to good people in happy relationships.
Today's leading marriage experts have come up with many strategies for preventing infidelity from infiltrating your marriage. As you review the six preventive measures provided below, keep in mind that no one-time event or promise will affair-proof your marriage. Complete fidelity takes constant, conscientious effort. But the work is well worth the joy of having a husband or wife who is your faithful, lifelong best friend. Consider the wise words of author Peggy Vaughn: "Preventing affairs is not like having a one-time inoculation - or even getting occasional booster shots. It's more like taking a pill every day for the rest of your life."
Prioritize Your Marriage
"The No. 1 cause for the breakdown in marriages today is the same issue that causes infidelity. Couples aren't prioritizing their marriage," says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist and author. "People spend time on their careers, their kids, community affairs, hobbies, sports. But they take their spouses for granted. It just doesn't work that way." In other words, to have a strong marriage, your spouse must come first. Set aside time to spend with just your spouse.
Consciously commit to putting your marriage first. That means your spouse comes before everything and everyone else-even your kids.
Each day tell your spouse how important he or she is to you.
married? Why do you want to stay together? When you've had hard times, how did you get through them?
Write a "mission statement" for your marriage. Frame it and put it in your bedroom, where it will be a visual reminder of your commitment to each other. You might frame it with your marriage certificate.
Avoid Temptation
Experts are increasingly concerned about two temptation arenas: the workplace and the Internet. One recent study showed that 73 percent of men and 42 percent of women who have Talk about your commitment to each other. What do you love about being extramarital affairs meet their partners at work. Be extremely careful with workplace relationships.
Don't take lunch or coffee breaks with the same person all the time.
When you travel with co-workers, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
Meet in groups, if possible.
Don't drink and dance with co-workers at conferences or office parties.
Avoid cordial kisses and hugs.
Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life and feelings.
On-line relationships are also an increasing problem. Innocent chat room visits can endanger a marriage when someone discovers a "cyberspace soulmate." When the honesty that's missing in a marriage gets spilled out on the computer screen, emotional affairs can result, sometimes leading to adultery. Preventive measures include:
Avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet.
Avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing.
If necessary, limit your time on-line.
Use the Internet for productive activities such as researching family history or medical issues, not for making cyber-friends.
Remember that infidelity doesn't always include sex. Emotional infidelity can breach marital trust and become as debilitating to your marriage as physical adultery. If you are sharing intimate emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse in any arena, including the Internet, stop!
Know Your Boundaries
Experts say friendships with members of the opposite sex are possible and healthy if both parties know their boundaries. As one author puts it, you have to take an honest look at yourself and admit that maybe you can't always "handle it." When you honestly admit what might be a temptation to you, you will know where to draw the line.
Know your own vulnerabilities. Are you especially curious about people? Are you extremely empathetic? Do you invite other people to share their problems with you? What might lead you to get emotionally involved with someone else unwittingly or with good intentions?
Don't be afraid to put up emotional "walls" around yourself and your marriage. No marriage is invulnerable. All marriages need protection. You cannot have intimate relationships with opposite sex co-workers and friends and still have a great relationship with your spouse.
Together with your spouse, set guidelines for how each of you will behave around members of the opposite sex. For example, you may decide neither of you will dance with someone of the opposite sex. Make these guidelines an agreement you hold each other accountable for.
Instead of spending time alone with friends of the opposite sex, make friends with the person as a couple. Have him or her bring a partner and go to dinner with you and your spouse, for example, instead of going to lunch alone.
If you're wondering whether you've overstepped any boundaries, Dr. Shirley Glass says three signs indicate that a friendship between people of the opposite sex has crossed the line into infidelity: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) sexual tension, and (3) secrecy. Also, ask yourself, "Do I say or do things with this person that I wouldn't want my spouse to see or hear?" If so, it's time to take a step back and re-draw your boundaries.
Learn Conflict Resolution Skills
According to Dr. Carlfred Broderick, "Perhaps the most important single preventative of adultery is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage." It is crucial that you talk to your spouse about conflicts. Harboring resentment towards a spouse may lead you to seek sympathy from others, which opens you up to emotional attachments outside the marriage. Faithful marriage partners discuss their frustrations openly and honestly and try to reach fair compromises.
Be clear. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking. If you're concerned about something, don't wait for your spouse to notice-tell him or her.
When you want to bring up a problem, don't assign blame. The following statement, for example, blames the other person and is not likely to end in a happy resolution: "The kitchen is a mess and it's all your fault!" Instead, try something like this: "The dishes didn't get washed and I think it's your dish day."
Don't store up frustrations. Talk about what's on your mind. It's harder to deal with resentment productively when you've been stewing over it and growing more and more upset until you're ready to burst.
Compromise. When you have a conflict, sit down and think about what you really need versus what you want and what you are willing to give up. Work out a solution that combines each of your individual needs
If you have serious resentment over unresolved conflicts, consider seeking help from a qualified professional marriage counselor.
For more help on dealing with marital conflict, see Dr. Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Principles five and six guide couples through dealing with minor and major marital conflicts and avoiding resentment.
Rekindle Romance
Dr. Kevin Leman believes that "as a general rule, satisfied partners do not wander. . . . If marriage partners are getting enough attention, affection, and sexual fulfillment at home, they are not likely to stray into an affair." This tends to be particularly true of women, who are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage than for any other reason.
Dr. Glass points out that when someone has an affair, it doesn't necessarily mean he or she isn't "getting enough" at home. It could mean he or she isn't giving enough. Either way, adding romance to your marriage will help protect against you or your spouse looking elsewhere.
Here are some guidelines for romantic success, suggested by experts Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Bloomberg, in their book Fighting for Your Marriage. Take a look at the guidelines and create your own plan for romance in your relationship:
Focus on being romantic. Send flowers, romantic email messages, whisper suggestive desires during dinner, or touch his or her leg under the table. At the same time, don't focus orgasms or other outcomes. Simply talking as friends and sharing fun times are aphrodisiacs.
Focus on wooing your partner, as opposed to taking his or her love for granted. Win his or her love on a daily basis.
Be sensitive to your partner's rhythms, needs, and wishes. Maybe your spouse is a morning person and you are an evening person when it comes to ideal times for intimacy. If so, push yourself to be romantically interested during your partner's preferred times.
Be imaginative and creative. Let your partner know that you care and are attracted to her and want her, but do it in a variety of ways. For example, you might suggest going to work an hour late, or choose an intimate rendezvous at another unplanned time.
Be a great lover. When having sex, kiss and touch sensual spots that your partner enjoys---the earlobe, neck, back, or wherever. Talk together about the love areas that are pleasurable and share in mutually enjoyable and agreeable lovemaking.
Share initiating of lovemaking. Initiate intimacies at unexpected times and places.
Couple Bonding
Finally, to "affair-proof" your marriage, strengthen and deepen the bond between you and your spouse. "The more a couple knows each other, the better off they are. If you strengthen then bond between the couple, there is not so much temptation to look elsewhere," says psychologist Susan Townsend.
Spend time having meaningful conversations. Set aside a few minutes each day to talk with your spouse. Talk about what you did during the day, what you've been thinking about, what you're feeling. Avoid discussing conflicts during this time.
If these conversations don't come naturally, try sitting down facing each other and doing something relaxing at the same time, like having a cup of coffee or listening to music you both like.
Go out on a date with your spouse once a week and choose an activity you enjoy doing together, such as watching a movie, eating out, dancing, bowling. Consider the cost of a babysitter an investment in your marriage and family.
Share your fondest dreams with your spouse, no matter how impossible or outlandish they might seem.
Be honest with your spouse. Don't keep secrets from him or her.
Regularly attend church, synagogue, or mosque with your spouse. Nurturing your spirituality together can be a powerful way to increase your bond.
Also: Look for Shirley Glass' upcoming book, Not "Just Friends:" Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. (January 2003)
Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, edited by Robert F. Stahman and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
If the person who breaks the trust is willing to own their actions and show remorse; if they are willing to look inside themselves to understand why they made such a poor choice, then the marriage has a chance.
The person who broke the trust must be willing to answer their partners questions about their affair until the partner is satisfied and begins to build trust. An affair can be physical or it can be emotional. Emotional affairs usually are harder to end than purely sexual ones. It is the straying partner who has the responsibility to prove to their partner that they can be trusted. Their partner might ask them to report their whereabouts for a while and they must be open to answering questions, lots of questions.
Now, for the person who has been betrayed, life is going to look different. The ground under you has just opened up with a large crack and you may feel like you are slipping down into that hole. You will need time for your anger and hurt to subside to a level where you feel ready to communicate about this. I suggest coming to counseling immediately, so that you have an objective professional person in the room as you discuss these difficult issues. You'll want to ask your partner many questions especially as you begin to rethink the things your partner had told you that you now know were untruths. I suggest you don't ask for certain details because some images are harder to forget and forgive. Being told the truth by someone who feels true remorse and is willing to go to counseling to work on the issues that brought your couplehood to this place is enough for now.
It's also important for the betrayed partner to think about what their part in the breakdown of the relationship might be. This does not make an excuse for the partner who chose to go outside of your relationship. He/She had the choice to tell you what they were unhappy about in the relationship and give you an opportunity to work on it. That was not their choice however, and they need to be responsible for that choice no matter what the issues are between the two of you.
When a couple is able to understand and take responsibility for their issues they can begin to communicate about what changes need to be made in order for both partners to have their needs met in the relationship. Couples can emerge from this experience feeling closer, safer, with exellent communication skills for a more loving and authentic relationship. Other couples may choose to part and a therapist can help you to work through this transition especially when there are children involved.
I am sharing this article with you because it talks about ways to protect your relationship from infidelity, so that hopefully you will never have to go through the hurt of finding out that your best friend and life partner has broken their commitment to you.
www.foreverfamilies.net
Many couples naively insist that they don't have to worry about infidelity. "It will never happen to us." Unfortunately, infidelity is surprisingly prevalent in our society. Conservative estimates suggest that between 20 and 25 percent of all Americans will have extramarital sex sometime during their married life (Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001). That's up to one out of four. And the idea that infidelity only happens to bad people in miserable marriages is a myth. It can and does happen, even to good people in happy relationships.
Today's leading marriage experts have come up with many strategies for preventing infidelity from infiltrating your marriage. As you review the six preventive measures provided below, keep in mind that no one-time event or promise will affair-proof your marriage. Complete fidelity takes constant, conscientious effort. But the work is well worth the joy of having a husband or wife who is your faithful, lifelong best friend. Consider the wise words of author Peggy Vaughn: "Preventing affairs is not like having a one-time inoculation - or even getting occasional booster shots. It's more like taking a pill every day for the rest of your life."
Prioritize Your Marriage
"The No. 1 cause for the breakdown in marriages today is the same issue that causes infidelity. Couples aren't prioritizing their marriage," says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist and author. "People spend time on their careers, their kids, community affairs, hobbies, sports. But they take their spouses for granted. It just doesn't work that way." In other words, to have a strong marriage, your spouse must come first. Set aside time to spend with just your spouse.
Consciously commit to putting your marriage first. That means your spouse comes before everything and everyone else-even your kids.
Each day tell your spouse how important he or she is to you.
married? Why do you want to stay together? When you've had hard times, how did you get through them?
Write a "mission statement" for your marriage. Frame it and put it in your bedroom, where it will be a visual reminder of your commitment to each other. You might frame it with your marriage certificate.
Avoid Temptation
Experts are increasingly concerned about two temptation arenas: the workplace and the Internet. One recent study showed that 73 percent of men and 42 percent of women who have Talk about your commitment to each other. What do you love about being extramarital affairs meet their partners at work. Be extremely careful with workplace relationships.
Don't take lunch or coffee breaks with the same person all the time.
When you travel with co-workers, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
Meet in groups, if possible.
Don't drink and dance with co-workers at conferences or office parties.
Avoid cordial kisses and hugs.
Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life and feelings.
On-line relationships are also an increasing problem. Innocent chat room visits can endanger a marriage when someone discovers a "cyberspace soulmate." When the honesty that's missing in a marriage gets spilled out on the computer screen, emotional affairs can result, sometimes leading to adultery. Preventive measures include:
Avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet.
Avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing.
If necessary, limit your time on-line.
Use the Internet for productive activities such as researching family history or medical issues, not for making cyber-friends.
Remember that infidelity doesn't always include sex. Emotional infidelity can breach marital trust and become as debilitating to your marriage as physical adultery. If you are sharing intimate emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse in any arena, including the Internet, stop!
Know Your Boundaries
Experts say friendships with members of the opposite sex are possible and healthy if both parties know their boundaries. As one author puts it, you have to take an honest look at yourself and admit that maybe you can't always "handle it." When you honestly admit what might be a temptation to you, you will know where to draw the line.
Know your own vulnerabilities. Are you especially curious about people? Are you extremely empathetic? Do you invite other people to share their problems with you? What might lead you to get emotionally involved with someone else unwittingly or with good intentions?
Don't be afraid to put up emotional "walls" around yourself and your marriage. No marriage is invulnerable. All marriages need protection. You cannot have intimate relationships with opposite sex co-workers and friends and still have a great relationship with your spouse.
Together with your spouse, set guidelines for how each of you will behave around members of the opposite sex. For example, you may decide neither of you will dance with someone of the opposite sex. Make these guidelines an agreement you hold each other accountable for.
Instead of spending time alone with friends of the opposite sex, make friends with the person as a couple. Have him or her bring a partner and go to dinner with you and your spouse, for example, instead of going to lunch alone.
If you're wondering whether you've overstepped any boundaries, Dr. Shirley Glass says three signs indicate that a friendship between people of the opposite sex has crossed the line into infidelity: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) sexual tension, and (3) secrecy. Also, ask yourself, "Do I say or do things with this person that I wouldn't want my spouse to see or hear?" If so, it's time to take a step back and re-draw your boundaries.
Learn Conflict Resolution Skills
According to Dr. Carlfred Broderick, "Perhaps the most important single preventative of adultery is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage." It is crucial that you talk to your spouse about conflicts. Harboring resentment towards a spouse may lead you to seek sympathy from others, which opens you up to emotional attachments outside the marriage. Faithful marriage partners discuss their frustrations openly and honestly and try to reach fair compromises.
Be clear. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking. If you're concerned about something, don't wait for your spouse to notice-tell him or her.
When you want to bring up a problem, don't assign blame. The following statement, for example, blames the other person and is not likely to end in a happy resolution: "The kitchen is a mess and it's all your fault!" Instead, try something like this: "The dishes didn't get washed and I think it's your dish day."
Don't store up frustrations. Talk about what's on your mind. It's harder to deal with resentment productively when you've been stewing over it and growing more and more upset until you're ready to burst.
Compromise. When you have a conflict, sit down and think about what you really need versus what you want and what you are willing to give up. Work out a solution that combines each of your individual needs
If you have serious resentment over unresolved conflicts, consider seeking help from a qualified professional marriage counselor.
For more help on dealing with marital conflict, see Dr. Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Principles five and six guide couples through dealing with minor and major marital conflicts and avoiding resentment.
Rekindle Romance
Dr. Kevin Leman believes that "as a general rule, satisfied partners do not wander. . . . If marriage partners are getting enough attention, affection, and sexual fulfillment at home, they are not likely to stray into an affair." This tends to be particularly true of women, who are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage than for any other reason.
Dr. Glass points out that when someone has an affair, it doesn't necessarily mean he or she isn't "getting enough" at home. It could mean he or she isn't giving enough. Either way, adding romance to your marriage will help protect against you or your spouse looking elsewhere.
Here are some guidelines for romantic success, suggested by experts Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Bloomberg, in their book Fighting for Your Marriage. Take a look at the guidelines and create your own plan for romance in your relationship:
Focus on being romantic. Send flowers, romantic email messages, whisper suggestive desires during dinner, or touch his or her leg under the table. At the same time, don't focus orgasms or other outcomes. Simply talking as friends and sharing fun times are aphrodisiacs.
Focus on wooing your partner, as opposed to taking his or her love for granted. Win his or her love on a daily basis.
Be sensitive to your partner's rhythms, needs, and wishes. Maybe your spouse is a morning person and you are an evening person when it comes to ideal times for intimacy. If so, push yourself to be romantically interested during your partner's preferred times.
Be imaginative and creative. Let your partner know that you care and are attracted to her and want her, but do it in a variety of ways. For example, you might suggest going to work an hour late, or choose an intimate rendezvous at another unplanned time.
Be a great lover. When having sex, kiss and touch sensual spots that your partner enjoys---the earlobe, neck, back, or wherever. Talk together about the love areas that are pleasurable and share in mutually enjoyable and agreeable lovemaking.
Share initiating of lovemaking. Initiate intimacies at unexpected times and places.
Couple Bonding
Finally, to "affair-proof" your marriage, strengthen and deepen the bond between you and your spouse. "The more a couple knows each other, the better off they are. If you strengthen then bond between the couple, there is not so much temptation to look elsewhere," says psychologist Susan Townsend.
Spend time having meaningful conversations. Set aside a few minutes each day to talk with your spouse. Talk about what you did during the day, what you've been thinking about, what you're feeling. Avoid discussing conflicts during this time.
If these conversations don't come naturally, try sitting down facing each other and doing something relaxing at the same time, like having a cup of coffee or listening to music you both like.
Go out on a date with your spouse once a week and choose an activity you enjoy doing together, such as watching a movie, eating out, dancing, bowling. Consider the cost of a babysitter an investment in your marriage and family.
Share your fondest dreams with your spouse, no matter how impossible or outlandish they might seem.
Be honest with your spouse. Don't keep secrets from him or her.
Regularly attend church, synagogue, or mosque with your spouse. Nurturing your spirituality together can be a powerful way to increase your bond.
Also: Look for Shirley Glass' upcoming book, Not "Just Friends:" Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. (January 2003)
Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, edited by Robert F. Stahman and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Monday, September 28, 2009
10 Tips for Improving Your Relationships
I find that most couples who first come to see me say that they cannot communicate on important issues. They are hoping to learn skills for better communication and we begin learning these skills in the very first session.
It can be very scary to talk about issues that may start big arguments or bring up serious topics that may end in consequences you may not feel prepared for. So, most couples tend to sweep everything under the rug. How’s that working for you?
Please read below, 10 Tips for Improving Your Relationship. It’s good information that you can use at home before you decide if you want to come in for relationship counseling.
10 Tips for Improving Your Relationships
1. Evaluate From a Long Term Perspective
The other person may be tired or preoccupied right now (it’s not all about you, after all), and not up for a whole lot of straight talk. Your communication problems may improve on their own over time, or may just not be important enough in the long run for you to demand that today’s problem be fixed right now. If it’s not earth-shakingly important, and if the other wants to pass on fixing things right now, consider doing so; you can always call in the IOU later on.
2. Listen with More Attention, And More Caring
This is a person you’re in a relationship with. Whether it’s your child, your boss, or your romantic interest, what could be more worthy of your attention than trying to understand what they are saying, what they are feeling, and why they are sharing this with you at this moment? Put aside distractions, provide feedback so they know they are being heard, and try to find out how you can help. You want to, right?
3. Handle Conflict More Skillfully
For starters, work to clarify any ambiguity about expectations. Pause – a lot- to let yourself calm down prior to responding to any comments or actions that anger you. You might say, “I need to think about that a minute.” Don’t try to reason someone out of something they decided on emotion, not reason (e.g., who to trust, what to believe). Sidestep stalemates with an agreement to try again later, when you both have gathered more data about “it”. Control your urge to say hurtful things; the damage is too long-lasting to be worth the momentary feeling of power.
4. Become Less Dependent on the Relationship for Your Own Life Satisfaction
This is a tough one, for it requires that you find your own personal reason for being on this earth; your mission, if you will. The relationships you find yourself in throughout your life must, for the fullest life, be managed with that mission in mind. That means asking their support from time to time for that purpose, and lending your support to them in helping them fulfill their own mission, which is a lot different from needing the relationship to give you a reason for living.
5. Understand How the Other Person Thinks, And Why
This is probably the greatest secret to better communication in relationships; to know that each of us can only think the way our background and experiences have prepared us to think. Since we all have different backgrounds and experiences, conflicts are inevitable, and understanding difficult. Nevertheless, it’s worth learning to say “My experience has been different”, instead of “You’re wrong”. And it’s worth listening to them explain what in their background has led them to believe as they do. That’s a huge step toward better acceptance, and better understanding!
6. Master Assertive Communication
Aggressive communicators take care of themselves and let the other twist in the wind; passive communicators take care of the other and suffer for it, feeling put-upon. Assertive communication, a “graduate-level” communication skill between the two extremes, requires protecting yourself while acknowledging the needs of the other and trying to offer some help, suggestions, or referrals. It takes a lot of patience, and practice, but the results are simply incredible in better results, increased self-respect, the admiration of others, and real, lasting solutions to problems.
7. Understand and Work to Control the Nonverbal Messages You Send
How do you feel when someone says “sure”, but crosses their arms when you ask, “Can we talk?” You don’t believe them, right? So don’t project that same closed, uncaring attitude yourself. Make enough eye contact so they know you are paying attention, but not so much they feel microscopically examined, position yourself to limit distractions (not looking out the window, or at the TV, for example), and control your fidgeting, which looks impatient and weak. A calm, attentive position, with lots of feedback so they know they are being heard works wonders.
8. Learn How to Exit Non-Destructively When Anger Threatens Communication
When your emotions are getting out of control, good communication is terribly difficult. So, give yourself, and the other, a break. Take a time-out; go to the rest room, take a quick walk. Let those hormones racing through your blood reach a more agreeable level so your reasoning powers have a chance to work. Don’t just walk out, though- that signals the end of the relationship. Say something like, “Give me a couple of minutes; I’ll be right back”, or “Can we talk some more about this a little later today? – I’ve got something else that’s distracting me and this deserves our full attention.” Those comments work to preserve the relationship and buy you time to settle down.
9. Hear the Need behind the Want
Surprisingly, lots of communications breakdowns occur for reasons that aren’t even real and certainly not necessary. That argument about someone not being there for dinner with you may be really about your need for attention and comfort. That war over a promotion at work may be really about a need for security or power. Needs can be satisfied in a variety of legitimate ways, once you discover which needs are hiding behind the loudly proclaimed wants.
10. Celebrate the Positive and Express Your Gratitude
People who have lost loved ones tell us how sorry they are they didn’t tell those people what gifts they were, or how much they were loved. Don’t join that guilty crowd- tell those close to you how much you care for them, and what, specifically, you appreciate about them. That alone will change the quality of the relationship, and of your life, for the better!
Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D. http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/
It can be very scary to talk about issues that may start big arguments or bring up serious topics that may end in consequences you may not feel prepared for. So, most couples tend to sweep everything under the rug. How’s that working for you?
Please read below, 10 Tips for Improving Your Relationship. It’s good information that you can use at home before you decide if you want to come in for relationship counseling.
10 Tips for Improving Your Relationships
1. Evaluate From a Long Term Perspective
The other person may be tired or preoccupied right now (it’s not all about you, after all), and not up for a whole lot of straight talk. Your communication problems may improve on their own over time, or may just not be important enough in the long run for you to demand that today’s problem be fixed right now. If it’s not earth-shakingly important, and if the other wants to pass on fixing things right now, consider doing so; you can always call in the IOU later on.
2. Listen with More Attention, And More Caring
This is a person you’re in a relationship with. Whether it’s your child, your boss, or your romantic interest, what could be more worthy of your attention than trying to understand what they are saying, what they are feeling, and why they are sharing this with you at this moment? Put aside distractions, provide feedback so they know they are being heard, and try to find out how you can help. You want to, right?
3. Handle Conflict More Skillfully
For starters, work to clarify any ambiguity about expectations. Pause – a lot- to let yourself calm down prior to responding to any comments or actions that anger you. You might say, “I need to think about that a minute.” Don’t try to reason someone out of something they decided on emotion, not reason (e.g., who to trust, what to believe). Sidestep stalemates with an agreement to try again later, when you both have gathered more data about “it”. Control your urge to say hurtful things; the damage is too long-lasting to be worth the momentary feeling of power.
4. Become Less Dependent on the Relationship for Your Own Life Satisfaction
This is a tough one, for it requires that you find your own personal reason for being on this earth; your mission, if you will. The relationships you find yourself in throughout your life must, for the fullest life, be managed with that mission in mind. That means asking their support from time to time for that purpose, and lending your support to them in helping them fulfill their own mission, which is a lot different from needing the relationship to give you a reason for living.
5. Understand How the Other Person Thinks, And Why
This is probably the greatest secret to better communication in relationships; to know that each of us can only think the way our background and experiences have prepared us to think. Since we all have different backgrounds and experiences, conflicts are inevitable, and understanding difficult. Nevertheless, it’s worth learning to say “My experience has been different”, instead of “You’re wrong”. And it’s worth listening to them explain what in their background has led them to believe as they do. That’s a huge step toward better acceptance, and better understanding!
6. Master Assertive Communication
Aggressive communicators take care of themselves and let the other twist in the wind; passive communicators take care of the other and suffer for it, feeling put-upon. Assertive communication, a “graduate-level” communication skill between the two extremes, requires protecting yourself while acknowledging the needs of the other and trying to offer some help, suggestions, or referrals. It takes a lot of patience, and practice, but the results are simply incredible in better results, increased self-respect, the admiration of others, and real, lasting solutions to problems.
7. Understand and Work to Control the Nonverbal Messages You Send
How do you feel when someone says “sure”, but crosses their arms when you ask, “Can we talk?” You don’t believe them, right? So don’t project that same closed, uncaring attitude yourself. Make enough eye contact so they know you are paying attention, but not so much they feel microscopically examined, position yourself to limit distractions (not looking out the window, or at the TV, for example), and control your fidgeting, which looks impatient and weak. A calm, attentive position, with lots of feedback so they know they are being heard works wonders.
8. Learn How to Exit Non-Destructively When Anger Threatens Communication
When your emotions are getting out of control, good communication is terribly difficult. So, give yourself, and the other, a break. Take a time-out; go to the rest room, take a quick walk. Let those hormones racing through your blood reach a more agreeable level so your reasoning powers have a chance to work. Don’t just walk out, though- that signals the end of the relationship. Say something like, “Give me a couple of minutes; I’ll be right back”, or “Can we talk some more about this a little later today? – I’ve got something else that’s distracting me and this deserves our full attention.” Those comments work to preserve the relationship and buy you time to settle down.
9. Hear the Need behind the Want
Surprisingly, lots of communications breakdowns occur for reasons that aren’t even real and certainly not necessary. That argument about someone not being there for dinner with you may be really about your need for attention and comfort. That war over a promotion at work may be really about a need for security or power. Needs can be satisfied in a variety of legitimate ways, once you discover which needs are hiding behind the loudly proclaimed wants.
10. Celebrate the Positive and Express Your Gratitude
People who have lost loved ones tell us how sorry they are they didn’t tell those people what gifts they were, or how much they were loved. Don’t join that guilty crowd- tell those close to you how much you care for them, and what, specifically, you appreciate about them. That alone will change the quality of the relationship, and of your life, for the better!
Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D. http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/
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